I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
