Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
