Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Randomize
