Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
