Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I want to be your penis for a week.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Randomize
