So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Randomize
