We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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