Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
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