Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
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