So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Randomize
