Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
