she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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