Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Randomize
