Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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