BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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