The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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