Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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