I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Randomize
