Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
