when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
