I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
I think my fart just growled at me.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
