after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
