I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I pour the whiskey from now on
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
