I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
