fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
