y did u give ur computer a hand job?
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
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