I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Randomize