I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
