i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
