Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
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