Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
