It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
The cops high fived after they tackled you
The adults are the big ones right?
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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