at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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