Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
the day after is always just damage control
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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