i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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