I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
