i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
