If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
