I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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