He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
