I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Randomize
