Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
