I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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