But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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