i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
