we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
