I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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