You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize