I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
