Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
