He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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