The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Randomize
