wat bout pragnant strippers??
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Randomize
