I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
