I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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