I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
