She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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