the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
