I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
